I Need a Hug

Because I just really need a hug and so many of you here are so giving, I decided to post this. Please bear with my drivel below.

I just got home from a rosary. One of my closest friends' father died unexpectedly on Sunday. The rosary was tonight and the funeral is tomorrow morning. He is currently being the rock for his family and staying strong. I know that feeling all too well because it is what I did when I lost my dad at 17 and my mom at 23. I decided that tonight I was going to be the rock for him. We already agreed that next week I'm bringing him adult milk and cookies - aka a bottle of Jameson so he can let loose.

Best laid plans. I was fine until the end when you went up and did the viewing and gave your condolences to the family. There are absolutely no words of comfort one can offer. I know that all too well. Instead of being the rock for him, I found myself losing it. The worst part - I'm pretty sure I'm not crying for him. I'm crying for myself. For my own pain. For my own loss.

After the service I went to my car and called my brother. I completely woke him up since it was 11pm his time. I don't even know why I called. I told him I just wanted to talk to him...or maybe I just wanted to cry like an idiot and have him be on the phone. He was really good about it which was great.

I'm just so frustrated (and crying as I type this). I mean, a) I don't generally cry. b) I'm always the strong one for everyone else and all of a sudden I'm a basket case. c) It was over 11 years ago that my dad died and d) It was over 5 years ago that mom died. Isn't it about time for this shite to stop? At what point do you stop being a snivelling idiot?

I think the biggest problem is it makes me feel needy and that's not a feeling I'm used to having. It makes me feel alone and makes me realize I'd like to have the knowledge there's someone special out there that feels the same way about me. I was driving home wishing I had someone to go home to for comfort. At the risk of quoting The Wedding Singer, right now I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay.

It kills me that 11 years later I can still be reduced to a teenager who wants her daddy back. And I do. I'd give anything to have my parents back. Unfortunately, that's not possible. I know they are still with me and a part of who I am, but sometimes it just isn't quite enough.

So basically I'm just a blithering idiot right now and tomorrow when I'm better and I read that I actually posted this I'm going to be mortified. Thanks for putting up with my neurosis.

This tearful moment was brought to you by the letter T and the number 3.

The Drunk HNT

Note to self - don't get wasted at a wedding attended by loads of Irish when they have cameras in hand. It leads to photos like this. Happy HNT!

A River of Tears

Got a call yesterday from one of my closest friends, R. His dad died unexpectedly on Sunday. They are still not entirely sure what happened, but assume a blood clot occurred. The rosary is tomorrow night and the funeral on Friday morning. There was absolutely no reason for this to occur. I can understand his pain as well as anyone, but I at least got to say goodbye to my father. I knew it was coming. This was a total surprise. I alternate between being numb and wanting to cry. R is being strong for his family and taking care of all the arrangements. It brings back so many memories because that's what I did too. Have to be strong for everyone else. I'm planning on taking him some adult milk and cookies next week (aka a bottle of Jameson) so he can let loose.

I received an email today that a hasher friend's daughter was walking down the sidewalk and was hit by a car. She is on life support, has a fractured skull, broken ribs, broken leg, badly damaged and collapsed lungs, a blood clot on her heart and a torn liver. My heart goes out to her family. I can't imagine seeing your daughter lying in a hospital bed when there is nothing you can do.

It makes me wonder how such horrible things can happen to good people. But that's another diatribe that I just don't have the energy for right now.

Please keep both of these families in your prayers.

This moment of sadness was brought to you by the letter S and the number 2.

Dry Spell

My friend Daniel sent this to me today. It so sums up my life right now. Work warning - use head phones or close the office door. Thought the rest of y'all could appreciate.

http://www.wimp.com/more/

Kick Ass!

Last night was our fire performance. This is the first free fire performance of its kind in the entire country. We performed in Union Square for almost two hours as a kick off to National Dance Week.

I was super nervous beforehand. Especially when all my friends started showing up. Talk about performance anxiety! Plus I had to go second! However, once I was out there and my poi were lit, it kicked ass. The audience was amazing. I had this one moment of flubbing and kinda made a funny face and laughed about it and the entire audience started cheering. Totally pulled me out of it! At one point I lost one of my handles, but was able to just wrap and grab and finish out the performance. All in all I was pretty pleased. The rest of the show kicked ass. Everyone did really well and some of the choreographed pieces were stunning! I was totally amped after the show.

It was great having folks in the audience that I knew! I could hear them cheering for me along with everyone else and it really inspired me. Thanks to everyone who was able to make it!

I should be getting a DVD of the performance at some point. I'll see if I can put a link of the show at some point. Thanks for all the well wishes!

This moment of firey goodness was brought to you by the letter F and the number 1.

Firey Nervousness

Tonight will be my first fire performance. The Temple of Poi where I take classes is holding a free performance in Union Square. There are three different sections: 1. Solo performers doing 60 second pieces, 2. Group choreographed performances and 3. A bunch of the instructors and other really good folks performing a choreographed show with a bunch of different fire tools. I fall into group 1 and am going to be the second person on stage. Ack! I'm really nervous about it.

Monday night Josie and I met at Albany beach and did a bunch of burns to help prepare. It was really helpful to have someone there saying, yes, that looks good with fire or I'd do this move over that move, etc. I haven't practiced the rest of the week because I've been feeling under the weather. I may go out at lunch today with my practice poi and do a little bit to help calm the nerves.

So, keep your fingers crossed at 7:39pm PDT tonight as that's when I'll be on stage doing my 60 second performance. I just hope I don't make an ass of myself! The one comfort is most of the folks in the audience don't know anything about it so it all looks good. Their ignorance is my bliss! :-)

This moment of nervous energy was brought to you by the letter F and the number 1.

Wenchy Goodness

I decided to cut the other folks in this photo out as I wasn't sure how they felt about being displayed in all their glory. And yes, I can serve a pint of Guinness out of those. ;-)

Happy HNT!

Zorro the Gay Blade

The weather is finally gorgeous here after months of rain. So, of course, I'm now fighting being sick. Have a sore throat and a tiny bit of congestion. A coworker was recently diagnosed with strep throat so I'm a bit paranoid about having it. Been trying to get lots of sleep and take vitamins, but I fear I may be too late.

Weekend went well. Friday night hung out with a buddy from Ren Faire. We were going to watch The 40 Year Old Virgin, but since we'd both already seen it, we watched Anchorman and Zorro the Gay Blade.



If you haven't seen Zorro the Gay Blade, definitely watch this film! It is hilarious! It came out in 1981. George Hamilton and Lauren Hutton are the stars. You can read a bit more about it here. "Two bits, four bits, six bits a peso. All for Zorro stand up and say so."

Saturday I got some things done around the house. That night Kristine, M and I went to see Chazz DJ over in Oakland. It was a shame Chazz had the opening slot. He was definitely the best DJ there and his set kicked ass. We ended up spending most of the evening there. Then headed back across the bridge, grabbed some food, dropped Kristine off and I just crashed at M's place. Didn't get home til around 5pm Sunday afternoon. It was actually really nice to just be lazy and do nothing. It's been a long time since that has happened. Plus, I was brought coff-ay in bed so can't complain about that. And for those of you keeping track (you sick bastards), I said I crashed there, I didn't say I got laid there. Made it home in time to shower and then head to my old roomie's place for Easter dinner. That was really nice, but boy was I tired at the end.

Got some decent sleep Sunday night. Monday I went to bed early, but couldn't sleep so was up for a bit. Finally fell asleep, but didn't sleep well. Last night I was in bed early again and got some decent sleep. Still not feeling all that hot today so will probably forego heading back to Bondage A Go-Go tonight and get some sleep instead. Damnit, I'm getting responsible in my old age. There's another party over in Oakland tomorrow night that I may try and go to assuming I'm feeling better. Tomorrow after work I have to head to Mountain View to buy a saree for Ganesh's wedding. That should be hilarious.

Anyway, was there a point to this post? Not really. Just an update on what's going on in life. Hope everyone out there is healthy and enjoying the beautiful weather!

This moment was brought to you by the letter Z and the number 81.

Please Add to Your Prayer List

Or for those of you that are agnostic or aethist, please send positive thoughts for the following people:

I got home last night and checked some old emails on an account I rarely use. Two friends have been living and working in China doing missionary work. Camille was pregnant and they made it back to the States for her to have the baby. They decided to do a water birth with the help of a midwife. Things were going well until all of a sudden they lost the baby's heartbeat. They rushed her to the hospital to have their son, Sebastian Moses, stillborn. I cannot even imagine the grief and pain they are experiencing right now.

Fame is having surgery today. Please pray it goes well and she heals quickly.

Last, but certainly not least - all the men and women serving our country over in Iraq, Afghanistan, etc. and their families. We hope they get home safely.

This prayer list was brought to you by the letter G and the number 1.

TGIF

It's Friday....FINALLY! Man this has been a long week. I think it's just because I'm tired. Too little sleep on Wednesday night. I'm looking forward to the weekend.

Tonight I'm hanging with my buddy Dane from Ren Faire. We're watching The 40 Year Old Virgin which is always good for a laugh. Then I plan on getting lots of sleep in my own bed. Ear plugs will be in so I don't hear the kids that live above me in the morning. Saturday will be spent doing things around the house. Need to unpack, organize and get one of those "Rug Doctor" things w/ an attachment so can clean the overstuffed chair and ottoman I got from a buddy. Haven't really used the chair yet as it's kinda high in the 'ick' factor right now. Maybe a trip to Ikea (which I have never set foot in before) to get some bookshelves. That night I'm going to see Chazz DJ at a place in Oakland. Scrummy is going with and potentially Matt so should be a good time. Sunday more stuff around the house. Potentially volleyball if the weather is nice. My old roomie is possibly putting together an Easter dinner so may do that as well.

Should be a good time. Right now I'm just in a bit of a blah mood. It's probably just fatigue and the fact that the damn rain is back after a one day respite. I'm so sick of rain. It really is ridiculous. We had the most days with rain in March since the last record in 1904. It's continued on into April. We've had more rain than Seattle. What is going on in the world? Give me sunshine! I'm going crazy without it.

Anyway, hope y'all have a great weekend. Maybe on Monday I'll be well rested and in a better mood.

This was brought to you by the letter R and the number 24.

Hairy HNT

Ok, I have literally tons of hair. It's almost ridiculous. However, it's also my favorite "feature" if hair can count as a feature. So, I'm running late and couldn't find any good photos that show it. Here's one though that should give a general idea of just how much I have. This is only HALF of my hair. Yikes! Then again, as Thurston always says, "You have great hair for rough sex."

Juggling Act

I've always been a serial monogomist. Not necessarily by choice, I just suck at juggling. You always end up comparing or thinking about a different one when with another which isn't fair to anyone. Therefore, I generally avoid dating multiple people at the same time.

You know how it's always feast or famine? A drought or pouring? It's been a drought for a long time. That is, up until recently. Recently I've been a bit out of control and quite honestly, loving it. Been hanging out with a few different people which has been nice. All of them are really cool guys and fun to be with. I'm a firm believer in honesty and knew at some point I was going to have to have the seeing other people conversation. However, that's not one of those conversations you have unless it becomes necessary.

Well, last night it became necessary. We went back to Bondage A Go-Go for the second week in a row. I picked up Kristine and then we went to pick up M. I was going to have M lace me into my corset. So I run up to his apartment so he can do the lacing. The zipper in the front breaks. It took us ages to even be able to get it all undone. I couldn't even call Kristine when in his apartment because there wasn't any signal. I know what she thought was going on, but no such luck. Just trying to fix a corset. Turns out there's no way I can use the corset. Crap! Now what do I do? Turns out I have a black tanktop in the car, but no bra. I wasn't going to drive back across town to get one, so I just went without. As M said, "There's no better place to be going when something like this happens."

So off we go to BAGG. It was a good night and lots of fun. D and E came up from the South Bay along with D's new friend L. Also ran into Chazz and Daxle. It was great having everyone hang out together, but a bit nerve wracking as well as now two of the current guys were in the same place at the same time. It's never good when you're kissing one and the other walks by. Crap. Guess I have to have the conversation now.

So, went through my spiel with both of, "Hey, just so you know, I'm seeing other people. I'm not sleeping with anyone, but am seeing other people." Each took it really well and were fine with it which was an unexpected relief! I'm pretty sure they were fine with it and it's not just my 4 gin and tonic fuzzy brain thinking they were. That was a HUGE relief!

Ended up hanging out until close. Danced a bit with D, hung out with E and M and Kristine. Met some new folks. All in all it was a really fun and great night. Ended up going for food with M and Kristine. Then took Kristine home and just crashed at M's. This two hours of sleep thing is killing me! I'm a total zombie at work today, but some things are worth it. ;-)

Anyway, it is a refreshing change that occasionally some juggling acts actually stay in the air. A huge thanks to the men who are cool with it for now. I have no idea where, if anywhere, any of it is heading, but right now I'm having fun and enjoying spending time with them. We shall see.

This juggling act was brought to you by the letters BH and the number 3.

Another Good Quote

A friend had this quote on her blog on Tribe today. I decided to "steal" it and share it with the rest of you. I really like this one.

(For the normal BH frivolity - check the post below this one.)

"Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved."

-- From the Hebrew Talmud

Nothing more needs to be said as the words I could find would only be inadequate.

This quote was brought to you by the letter H and the number 2.

I Want A Girl With a Short Skirt

And a long, long jacket.

This past weekend was H3SOB's annual miniskirt run. A crew from the Bay Area decided to head down and grace them with our presence. After work on Friday I had to head home and pack. Scrummy came by and picked me up. We had to make a pit stop at my client site as I was a moron and left my purse there. Drove down to Pismo where her folks have a condo. By the time we got there everyone else had arrived - GAS, Mr. Bone Jangles, Arabian Goggler, Escrowtum, Rarely Cums and Just Jeff (Scrummy's little brother).

Everyone else was well into their cups at that point. Stayed up way too late chatting and watching TV. Eventually sacked out. I somehow finagled a bed to myself so life was peachy. Saturday morning the freak crew decided to go run 10 miles. Thanks, I think I'll go back to sleep. Jeff made some kick ass coffee with Kaluha. When the freaks came back from running we went and grabbed a late breakfast at this really cool restaurant. Our waitress kicked ass and gave us a cool new toast. I think it's something along the lines of: "Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so get wasted all the time and have the time of your life." We had a lot of bloody marys and mimosas. She had a good sense of humor and put up with our crap so we gave her a fat tip. Headed back to the condo, grabbed our stuff and hit the road.

Of course we were running late, but it's hash time so who cares? We headed to the hotel in Santa Barbara, checked in, changed and walked down to the first bar - The Study Hall. We got there about an hour late and everyone was still there. Unfortunately made it just in time to watch people try and compete on the stripper pole. I think I need to scrub my eyes in sand to get rid of those visuals. We eventually headed out on trail.

I'm of the opinion that when you are on a hash that requires some sort of costume or outfit, no one wants to run all that far. I know that wankers like Brownie will call me a wuss for that, but honestly...who wants to run 4+ miles in a freaking miniskirt? Not this kid. We were on trail forever, and finally decided to guerilla our own beer check. Stopped in the Wildcat and had several rounds. Goggler and GAS convinced Jeff he needed to do a Trinity shot. Poor kid. We even made their happy hour and got some free pizza which at that point was really nice. After a good hour plus, we then made our way back to the Study Hall. We were still the first to arrive. Hung out drinking and whatnot. Dinner was eventually served, but we were hungry so kept drinking. At one point I looked over at poor Jeff who was wasted and said, "Do you need to go back to the hotel to pass out?" He just looked at me, nodded his head, grabbed my hand and said, "Let's go." So I took him back to the hotel and put his little drunk ass to bed after convincing him that he really didn't want to sleep with me and would thank me (along with his sister) in the morning for not. Then I was back to the bar.

Colon-4-hire mentioned a Burning Man party so Scrummy and I headed over to that. It was definitely the highlight of the weekend. It was at a coffee shop that they had transformed with amazing decorations, kickass DJs and incredible performance art out back. At the hash there were tons of new folks I didn't know, but didn't seem to be able to meet many people. Within 10 minutes at the Burning Man party I had met probably 15 folks. I absolutely love this new community I've found!

We eventually started heading back to the hotel. We stopped at Fatburger to get some grub. Ended up meeting this random guy Eric who is friends with one of our dear Santa Barbara hashers BrrBrr. It was an entertaining hour or so chatting with him. Then we caught a cab back to the hotel to find that though our key worked, the door had been dead bolted by a couple hashers who went back early. That is SO not happening so we pounded on the door until they woke up and let us in. The new sleeping arrangements required Scrummy to go to the room next door and I shared a bed with her brother.

The next day we met up with the crew at Sharkeez and had some breakfast and mimosas/bloody marys. Then off to Pismo to clean up the condo. Scrummy and I eventually headed back to the City. All in all, not a bad weekend, but MAN am I tired! My 6:15am spin class this morning kicked my ass. I'm ready to sleep at my desk.

If you want to see photos, you can check out Panama's here. Pic's and Slimey's photos are here.

This miniskirt moment was brought to you by the letter M and the number 3.

Conundrum

I'm a bit torn at the moment. I had originally planned on going to CoTex hash house harriers weekend in June. However, I just learned about the Churchill Cup rugby matches. They will be played in the SF Bay Area.



I know that for the rest of you hashers out there (minus Scrummy), this is a no brainer. However, rugby was a very important part of my life for about 8 years. Partly because it fit in with the "tough girl" attitude I had after my dad died. You know, the classic "I don't need anybody. I'm tough. I can handle things on my own" kind of crap. When I eventually got over that phase I just loved the sport. I loved the fact that you could knock the crap out of someone on the pitch, and after they would hand you a beer and say, "Nice tackle." That was what it was all about for me.

Even though I don't play anymore minus one tournament a year, I still like to follow it. It would be absolutely AMAZING to see Ireland and the New Zealand Maori play. The US isn't all that good, but we're slowly improving. I think the NFL has had a lot to do with rugby not being more popular here, but that's a different rant for a different time. As you can see by the schedule, Ireland is playing NZ on the same Saturday as CoTex. It's not often one gets an opportunity to see an international rugby match of this caliber. Plus, one of my old teammates may be flying in from TN to go to the matches as well so I'd be able to hang out with her. And I could finally see the haka live.

What to do?

This moment of confusion was brought to you by the letter C and the number 10

All Tied Up (HNT)

Last night I went to Bondage A Go-Go for the first time. You can check it out here. Kristine, Matt and I headed down around 11pm. Met up with Chazz and Daxle while we were there. Also ran into Heath. We had a good time and other than the fact that I am going on two hours of sleep right now, the night was fabulous.

Given the events of last night, I thought it was fitting to make my HNT this week the photos of my first time being tied up this past weekend. Keep in mind that we were borrowing rope as the guy doing the tying hadn't brought his own. Therefore, the rope is of varying thicknesses and colour. Also, when he brings his rope the next time there will be more so you don't get that "smooshed in the middle" thing going on with the girls. Sorry the second one is blurry.

Brazil

Made my second quick trip to Brazil last night. Folks were right - it *is* easier the second time. Perhaps because your hair isn't quite as thick. Someday I'll remember to take ibuprofen beforehand. All that being said, Mr. Biggelsworth kicks ass!

This Brazillian moment was brought to you by the letter W and the number 2.

Precious

Received a call last night from a friend that her father had a heart attack and is in the hospital. She was obviously distraught and scared. He seems to be doing pretty well this morning which is good news. Please keep him and his family in your prayers/thoughts/whatever you do.

As always, situations like these remind me just how short and precious life really is. I know, you wouldn't think a girl who has lost her grandparents and both of her parents would need reminding, but I do. It's so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day stresses of life. We make time to do that extra bit of work at the office, but not to call our friends with whom we are falling out of touch. We will get up early to make a meeting, but not to take care of ourselves and make it to the gym.

Life's too short folks. Work to live, don't live to work. Remember there are far more important things in life. Tell those you care about that you are thinking of them on a regular basis. Don't let time pass...or one day it will be too late. Make the time now for others. Make the time now for yourself. No one else is going to do it for you.

This moment of clarity was brought to you by the letter P and the number 4.

Positive Energy

I had a fabulous weekend at the beach burn. Left work at noon on Friday. Had to run home to grab a raincoat and the plug for my cooler (kinda important). Met up with Penguin, Promise, Deelicious and Gerbil in South SF and we caravaned to the beach. It was pouring rain the entire time. Helped folks set up tents since I would be staying in PF's trailer. Gerbil went out to the beach and did his "Go-away rain dance" which happened to work. The sky eventually cleared and it turned into a gorgeous evening. Also helped the Spike's Vampire crew set up the Den of Iniquity. Ended up spending a lot of time in there over the weekend because the people rocked and the music was much more my style. They have said they are kidnapping me and I must camp with them at Burning Man. We shall see - I'm rather tempted! Spun a little fire that night which I shouldn't have done since I'd been drinking. I really couldn't find the flow so eventually gave up the ghost.

Saturday was absolutely GORGEOUS. Blue sky, bright sun - what more could you ask for? PF and I went into town to grab some breakfast. Also dropped off a bookcase for GAS and picked up some propane. Hung out on the beach catching some rays in the afternoon. Ended up heading back into town as some folks were jonesing for McDonald's. Headed back to the beach and took a shower. Ended up missing a fizz ball turn as they did it when I was in the shower. Broke out my new kick-ass fire pants which I love! Muse gave me the first hat she ever made for the playa which kicks ass! Sunset was spent on the beach with Boy Chaos, Diter, The Muse and Jason. Oh, and my bottle of 16 year old Lagavulin. Can life get any better?

That night some folks had brought some bondage rope and had offered to do a corset. They ended up leaving so promised to do it next time. I've never had that done before so Boy Chaos offered to help out. He hadn't brought any of his own rope, but we managed to borrow some from different folks and he made a pretty kick ass corset. It was a really fun and eye-opening experience. BC was great and made me feel pretty comfortable. Yes, I was still blushing most of the time though. It is me after all. I think someone got photos so I will try and post them for HNT. Boy Chaos promised to bring his rope next time so he could do it properly.

Hung out with the vamps for most of the evening. Didn't get to bed until around 7am or so. Only slept for a couple hours and then we were back on the beach dancing and hanging out. Chazz was kind enough to take my external hard drive to copy all his music onto for me. I can't wait! Matt was a sweetheart and brought me a diet coke which I would have given my right arm for at that point. Helped to tear down the Den of Iniquity. I resolved to not leave the beach with my non-potable beer so Boy Chaos broke out the Fizz Ball bat and we had another game. It is so much fun! Later as we were hanging out I got in trouble and was punished by getting Mount Gay Rum added to my Diet Coke. That stuff is NASTY! Funny as all hell to talk about though.

After hanging out a bit more, the rain moved in and I eventually made my way home in the late afternoon. As I laid on my couch before passing out from exhaustion, I reflected a bit on the weekend. These people that I spent the weekend with (for my 3rd beach burn) are simply amazing. There is so much love that abounds from them. Everyone is so welcoming, so giving and so kind. You get introduced to someone and instead of shaking hands, they hug you. They are so open and honest with their feelings and accepting of others. It's so incredibly different from how I have spent the majority of my life. It makes me feel like I've wasted a bit of it. Here are the folks that some would refer to as hippies or ravers or druggies and the like, yet they have been some of the kindest people I have ever met. People who would give you the shirts off their back and not think twice about it. I find myself looking forward more and more to spending time with them. People at work today have mentioned that I seem to be "glowing" today. I think all the positive energy from the weekend is still with me.

They have also opened me up to a whole new world and have made me start to explore myself. I mean, can you imagine me of all people being willing to have someone tie a corset of rope on me? Me being comfortable walking around in just my fire pants and a rope corset? Me getting conned into going to Bondage A Go Go this Wednesday night? No, I'm not turning into some S&M "freak" as y'all are thinking, but it is fun to explore and just see what is out there.

It's all new and exciting and I'm having a lot of fun. I can't wait for more!

This moment of self-exploration is brought to you by the letter R and the number 3.

My Vampire Name

Since I hung out with the crew from Spike's Vampire Bar this weekend, I thought it only fitting to post my new vampire name:

What is your Vampire name?

Afiag is your Vampire name.Your name means that you are a Vampire who has many friends, and few enemies. Other Vampires know not to cross your vengefull path.To use your new Vampire name and become a Vampire, go here: www.life-blood.vze.com
Take this quiz!








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