I Need a Hug
Because I just really need a hug and so many of you here are so giving, I decided to post this. Please bear with my drivel below.
I just got home from a rosary. One of my closest friends' father died unexpectedly on Sunday. The rosary was tonight and the funeral is tomorrow morning. He is currently being the rock for his family and staying strong. I know that feeling all too well because it is what I did when I lost my dad at 17 and my mom at 23. I decided that tonight I was going to be the rock for him. We already agreed that next week I'm bringing him adult milk and cookies - aka a bottle of Jameson so he can let loose.
Best laid plans. I was fine until the end when you went up and did the viewing and gave your condolences to the family. There are absolutely no words of comfort one can offer. I know that all too well. Instead of being the rock for him, I found myself losing it. The worst part - I'm pretty sure I'm not crying for him. I'm crying for myself. For my own pain. For my own loss.
After the service I went to my car and called my brother. I completely woke him up since it was 11pm his time. I don't even know why I called. I told him I just wanted to talk to him...or maybe I just wanted to cry like an idiot and have him be on the phone. He was really good about it which was great.
I'm just so frustrated (and crying as I type this). I mean, a) I don't generally cry. b) I'm always the strong one for everyone else and all of a sudden I'm a basket case. c) It was over 11 years ago that my dad died and d) It was over 5 years ago that mom died. Isn't it about time for this shite to stop? At what point do you stop being a snivelling idiot?
I think the biggest problem is it makes me feel needy and that's not a feeling I'm used to having. It makes me feel alone and makes me realize I'd like to have the knowledge there's someone special out there that feels the same way about me. I was driving home wishing I had someone to go home to for comfort. At the risk of quoting The Wedding Singer, right now I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay.
It kills me that 11 years later I can still be reduced to a teenager who wants her daddy back. And I do. I'd give anything to have my parents back. Unfortunately, that's not possible. I know they are still with me and a part of who I am, but sometimes it just isn't quite enough.
So basically I'm just a blithering idiot right now and tomorrow when I'm better and I read that I actually posted this I'm going to be mortified. Thanks for putting up with my neurosis.
This tearful moment was brought to you by the letter T and the number 3.
posted by BH @ 10:20 PM
10 comments
10 Comments:
Don't beat yourself up for wanting your parents back. Unfortunately, there are going to be times when you feel like this for the rest of your life. It's normal and natural and don't beat yourself up. You're human and even if you are always the rock, you still have feelings and needs too. If I were there, I'd be giving you a big bear-hug.
So sorry. A very fitting photo.
Girl....It's ok. It's ok to cry your eyes out and want your mommy and daddy back. Sometimes at night I cry and ask aloud " Mom, can you hear me? I miss you". I know she's gone but I still talk to her sometimes...
The crying helps you release everything that's been pent up and frustrating you..it's ok. Crying is ok...You simply can't be the rock forever and if your needy once in a while...so what!
Baby your human and a great person. Both your parents would be very proud of you...
and damn it....call me, I'll listen.
Sending virtual hugs your way!
I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, but I'll keep you and your friend in my prayers.
lost my Daddy over 30 years ago still crying ... HUGS !
I can completely understand the "revival" of grief over losing a loved one when attending a funeral for someone else. It happened to me back in March, when my firend's gran died and I realized during the wake that it was the first time I had been to a funeral since putting my baby to rest 6 years prior.
The pain never goes away. It just changes, and sometimes becomes more faint. It's amazing that sometimes something that isn't really related or someone, will trigger a revival in your own personal grief. It's been 6 years since my child passed away and I am tired of crying too....
I hope you are doing ok, and I think you are commendable for being the rock for your friend. I hope you both can get through your indiviual pain and still hold your head high and know that YOU life isn't over, and you should live it to the fullest. God Bless you and your friend and your families....
Ditto, ditto, ditto what everyone said. You need the release to be able to go on. Crying = good. HUGGGGSS!!!!!!!!
We all love you and will be your family. you'll never be alone!
Baby I just read this post. This is incredibly sad. And never feel like you shouldn't miss your parents or that crying makes you needy. That is not so. My father is 69, his mother died when he was 12, 57 years ago. There are times to this day he says he misses her and has missed her his entire life. He says he will never stop loving or missing her till the day he dies. I remember being a little girl and talking about my grandmother and him tearing up.
There is no shame in the loss of a love and crying over it. These are emotions that should never be repressed. Go ahead and cry all you want. You will always be Daddy's little girl be it when you remember being 17 or 47. That kind of loss should not be forgotten or disgarded.
As far as going home to someone. We all feel that sometimes. It is a nice comforting thought isn't it. But when it's not reality it really sucks. It's ok to go home alone trust me.
You are such a great woman!! Keep crying as long as you need we are all out here to listen. Kisses Fame
Hang in there Chica, hang in there!
Thank you everyone for your words of support! You know how you can tell yourself it's a good thing to feel the way you do, but it still sucks feeling that way? That's pretty much what I was in. I'm all better now (until the next time).
love you girl! :D
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