When Does It End?

Just got an vmail from my friend SA. She and I have been friends since we were 8 - played soccer together, rode horses together, etc. We've seen each other through a lot - divorce, death, a multitude of things. I learned a few weeks ago that C (her mom) has been battling lymphoma since March. In October she had a clean bill of health, but then a week or so later started having problems.

Apparently Momma C won't be with us much longer. Could be a week, could be a day or two. She's been having seizures and they moved her to ICU yesterday. Her blood pressure was around 20 this morning. They keep pulling fluid off her brain, but the lymphoma is moving too fast for the medicine.

Please keep their whole family in your prayers.

I'm so tired of this f*cking disease.

This moment of sadness was brought to you by the letter C and the number 22.

Thanksgiving Recap

I flew to Wichita, KS last Tuesday at ass o'clock in the morning. My family alternates holidays with my brother's wife's family. This year they had Thanksgiving. It was 75 degrees when I arrived. The high the rest of the week was 40! Can you say brrrrrrrrrrrr? It's hard to when your teeth are chattering.

It was a great visit full of laughter, good food, Guitar Hero III and various other games. One of my brothers-in-law and I went rock climbing one day. It was a really good visit with my brother which was nice. We have both really grown and changed in the past few years and our new relationship is awesome. I'm really liking the time we spend together.

My nieces are adorable. Isabella is 3 and Katie is 1. They are super cute and so much fun. It snowed on Friday night about an inch or two so the girls got to play in the snow on Saturday morning and throw snowballs at Auntie Anna. It was nice to see Katie again. She has changed so much since I last saw her in March. She is all Krone (my mom's side) and man does she have a personality. She gives looks at 1 that I don't think I learned until far later. She's going to be a handful. Isabella is a great older sister and looks after Katie. She's a sweetheart and so cute and fun. Isabella broke my heart at one point - we were sitting there playing and I was holding her. She looks at me, puts both hands on my cheeks and says, "Auntie Anna, why you live far away?" I asked my brother if he had put her up to it and he hadn't. Then I asked the in-laws and they said, "No, but now that we know it works..."

I flew back on Saturday afternoon and worked Dickens Fair on Sunday. The madness begins! Beverage should prove to be yet another interesting place to work this year.

When I got home Sunday night, I checked my vmail and had one from Isabella. Read this with a 3 year old voice. "Ann...Auntie Anna, we had a fire ... and made marshmallows ... and they were so yummy." Then my brother got on to tell me they had made their first fire in the new house and since Isabella did such a good job at dinner, she got a special treat for dessert and they made marshmallows over the fire. It was so cute I almost cried.

I'm currently looking at flights for Christmas. I can't wait to see my nieces again. It's going to be hard to be so far away from them in NZ when I move. :-(

All in all, a great holiday and I can't wait for Christmas just so I can see my family again.

This auntie happiness was brought to you by the letters I and K and the numbers 3 and 1.

The Next Journey

Some of you know I am planning to move to New Zealand. I've always wanted to live overseas. I'm young, single and have nothing tying me down. When I was in NZ almost 3 years ago, I fell in love with the beauty and the culture. I began the application process. Given that governments were involved, it took far longer than I ever expected. I was finally issued my residency visa in April. You have a year to establish residency so I have to be there by next April.

My goal is to have a job before going. Sure, I can afford to live for awhile without a job and if it comes down to that, I will do so. However, it'd be nice to know where my next paycheck is going to come from. Ah, if only I were independently wealthy. To that end (the job end, not the independently wealthy end), I've been slowly working on pulling my CV together and putting it in an appropriate format. My Kiwi buddy D who currently lives in Sydney has been reviewing and providing guidance. As of yesterday, it is in the final format.

What does that mean? It's time to start shopping my CV around NZ to see if I can get any hits. I'm hoping for Christchurch, though for what I do Auckland or Wellington would be easier bets. Naturally, one would assume I'd be all over this. Instead, I find myself hesitating.

Why? Why the hestitation? I can throw out all sorts of excuses: 1. I've been in my current job since I graduated from college. When I was interviewing in uni, no one expected you to know anything. Now I'm going to be expected to know something. 2. How does one write a cover letter again? All those skills have gone out the window. 3. I still haven't decided what I want to be when I grow up. The fundamental flaw is that I don't ever intend to grow up which makes the decision even harder. 4. In the past year and a half I have made some incredible friends. People who accept me for who I am - the good, the bad, the hilarious and the ugly. That's an incredibly hard support network to leave. It's not just a plane ride, it's a 14 hour plane ride from the West Coast.

What I'm starting to wonder now is if the hesitation is more a fear of realizing a dream. Am I really just scared to achieve something I have wanted for so long? Once that goal is attained, what will be next? Am I really fucked up enough to try and sabotage myself from doing something I have always wanted? If that is the case, that is sick and twisted.

Ultimately, the reasons don't matter. I'm not going to let anything (especially something as assanine as the latter possibility) keep me from doing this. I'm terrified and excited all at the same time. Terrified of the move around the world...and of the fact that there may be some validity to wanting to sabotage myself. Excited at fresh starts, realizing a dream and potentially pulling my head out of my arse.

Always one more thing to work on. Always one more path to follow. Always one more goal to attain. Isn't that what keeps us going?

This moment of reflection was brought to you by the letter A and the number 30.

Root Canal Update

Thank you to everyone for your well wishes and for not sharing your horror stories.

I went in yesterday for appointment number 1. It was odd - I don't usually get nervous about dental procedures. They've never been any big thing for me. However, I was freaked out about this one. I love my dentist and I trust him, but I was really nervous. He did the first round of Novocaine and then waited a bit. When he started to do the second injection I could still feel it so he waited a little bit longer. Even after him waiting I could still feel it a bit. No biggie. Then he started the process.

I was a bit concerned when he initially didn't think he'd be able to get the file into the canal. He thought he was going to have to send me to a specialist in San Francisco. As I was sitting there, I said a quick prayer and it was answered - he was able to get in. Yay! He did all he needed to do. Then it became decision time. If he kept getting drainage, I was going to have to come back for a second appointment. If he was able to get it completely dry, he would be able to finish it in one. Luckily it dried up and so he just finished it in one appointment. I don't have to go back for a second. Yippee!

He gave me some professional strength Crest White Strips so I can bleach that tooth so it looks like the others. As I was driving into work, I felt pretty good. I could definitely feel it, but nothing bad. Last night it started throbbing. The gum was irritated and bruised. I was a bit surprised that a tooth that is now officially dead could still hurt, but boy did it! Finally I did a salt water rinse. Before going to bed I took an Excedrin and went to sleep. I woke up today and it feels loads better. The gum is still irritated, but the level of pain is gone. It's not 100%, but it's getting there.

As long as no infection develops I am home free. Keep your fingers crossed!

This moment of happiness it's over is brought to you by the letter R and the number 1.

Craptastic

I saw my dentist today. I adore this guy. He's great. I've noticed that one tooth is a bit darker than the others and as I pointed it out to him he was about to ask me about it. He did an x-ray and it turns out I need a root canal. :-( He thinks I got hit at some point and the nerve has slowly died. I'm sure it happened at some point when I was playing rugby. I'm totally bummed and a little scared about it. Especially since it takes two different appointments. Not quite the news I wanted to hear. After that process finishes I can bleach it so it is the same color as my other teeth.

Please, if you have horror stories about root canals, don't share them. I'm dreading this enough as it is.

Aren't I too young to be having a root canal?

First appointment is Monday morning. What better way to start a Monday?

This moment of dread was brought to you by the letters R and C and the number 7.

Loss of a Friend

This past weekend my best friend B flew into town. She lives in upstate NY. B and I met Junior year at university. We instantly bonded and became fast friends. We were so much alike - the same outlook on life, the same sense of humor, the same sarcasm...mine just slightly more caustic, etc.

B was always the one person I could talk to about things. In a time when I spoke to no one about what I was dealing (or not) with (Gram's death while talking on the phone to her, later that same year on Christmas night my dad's death, etc.), she was the one person I could confide in. We talked, we laughed, we drank, we cried, we drank, we made fun of others, we made fun of ourselves, we drank, we traveled, etc. Peas in a pod you might say.

She went on to grad school in Buffalo, eventually getting her PhD in psychology. I moved to San Francisco and started doing my IT Consulting crap. I went out to visit her a few times including her graduation. She came to visit me in San Francisco. B, K (another friend from college who also lives in SF) and I traveled to England and Ireland together. We made a pact to travel together every three years. So far it's only happened once. It should have happened two more times, but those two were in grad school and couldn't afford to go. Fair enough.

The past few years, that closeness hasn't been there for me. There are lots of little examples and stories I could share - the lame bachelorette party in New Orleans (I didn't know that was possible!) where she was having none of it; her wedding in NY; my gift which was supposed to be paying for their honeymoon tickets, but she asked if I could just give them money instead to help with the down payment on their house - I sent a check for a grand and had to ask several weeks later if she had received it because I never heard a peep; how I never really heard from her when my Uncle Jack died recently - she spent a week with me on spring break at his place one year, she spent holidays with us where he was there, she saw him at my mom's funeral and my brother's wedding so this is someone she also knew; etc. Ultimately, none of you really care.

I've changed a lot in the past 6 months-1 year. I'm finally starting to muddle my way through all the grief and sadness that I've kept down for so many years. I'm becoming a softer person. My humor is far less caustic, though still occasionally sneaks in when I'm tired or sad. I'm working at lowering the great wall of China I've built around myself. I'm starting to take care of me and to like me. At the same time, I've become more adventurous - got my motorcycle license, started rock climbing, went to Burning Man, started swing dancing, etc. I was pretty excited to share all that with her since we never seem to really talk anymore.

K picked B up from the airport on Thursday as I had to work. Apparently K talked to B and without going into a lot of details told her I had made significant progress recently, but B seemed to think she still knew me so well despite the fact we rarely communicate anymore. Well, B didn't ever try to get to know the new me. She wasn't interested. I think she expected us to fall right back into our old patterns, but that's not who I am anymore. At one point during the weekend I felt myself reverting to the old me. That's not who I *want* to be anymore, so I stopped and went back to who I am today. It was pretty much met with snarky comments the whole time. I told a story about Uncle Jack's memorial and she said in a totally aloof way, "Oh, yeah. I never asked you about that. How'd that go?" as she's looking off some other direction.

Sorry, I'm just venting now. Anyway, all I felt when I dropped her at the airport on Monday was relief. I guess what I learned is that she's not my best friend anymore. She's just a kind of friend. I can't control her end of the relationship. We've just grown into two different people and that's fine.

It just makes me sad. I'm tired of losing people close to me...even though this one is partially my decision and it's not like it's due to death. It's just a shame to lose the closeness with someone I thought would be a big part of my life forever. People change and I guess I just have to suck it up and deal, but somehow that doesn't make it any easier.

This moment of sadness was brought to you by the letter B and the number 10.