The Next Journey

Some of you know I am planning to move to New Zealand. I've always wanted to live overseas. I'm young, single and have nothing tying me down. When I was in NZ almost 3 years ago, I fell in love with the beauty and the culture. I began the application process. Given that governments were involved, it took far longer than I ever expected. I was finally issued my residency visa in April. You have a year to establish residency so I have to be there by next April.

My goal is to have a job before going. Sure, I can afford to live for awhile without a job and if it comes down to that, I will do so. However, it'd be nice to know where my next paycheck is going to come from. Ah, if only I were independently wealthy. To that end (the job end, not the independently wealthy end), I've been slowly working on pulling my CV together and putting it in an appropriate format. My Kiwi buddy D who currently lives in Sydney has been reviewing and providing guidance. As of yesterday, it is in the final format.

What does that mean? It's time to start shopping my CV around NZ to see if I can get any hits. I'm hoping for Christchurch, though for what I do Auckland or Wellington would be easier bets. Naturally, one would assume I'd be all over this. Instead, I find myself hesitating.

Why? Why the hestitation? I can throw out all sorts of excuses: 1. I've been in my current job since I graduated from college. When I was interviewing in uni, no one expected you to know anything. Now I'm going to be expected to know something. 2. How does one write a cover letter again? All those skills have gone out the window. 3. I still haven't decided what I want to be when I grow up. The fundamental flaw is that I don't ever intend to grow up which makes the decision even harder. 4. In the past year and a half I have made some incredible friends. People who accept me for who I am - the good, the bad, the hilarious and the ugly. That's an incredibly hard support network to leave. It's not just a plane ride, it's a 14 hour plane ride from the West Coast.

What I'm starting to wonder now is if the hesitation is more a fear of realizing a dream. Am I really just scared to achieve something I have wanted for so long? Once that goal is attained, what will be next? Am I really fucked up enough to try and sabotage myself from doing something I have always wanted? If that is the case, that is sick and twisted.

Ultimately, the reasons don't matter. I'm not going to let anything (especially something as assanine as the latter possibility) keep me from doing this. I'm terrified and excited all at the same time. Terrified of the move around the world...and of the fact that there may be some validity to wanting to sabotage myself. Excited at fresh starts, realizing a dream and potentially pulling my head out of my arse.

Always one more thing to work on. Always one more path to follow. Always one more goal to attain. Isn't that what keeps us going?

This moment of reflection was brought to you by the letter A and the number 30.