Loss of a Friend

This past weekend my best friend B flew into town. She lives in upstate NY. B and I met Junior year at university. We instantly bonded and became fast friends. We were so much alike - the same outlook on life, the same sense of humor, the same sarcasm...mine just slightly more caustic, etc.

B was always the one person I could talk to about things. In a time when I spoke to no one about what I was dealing (or not) with (Gram's death while talking on the phone to her, later that same year on Christmas night my dad's death, etc.), she was the one person I could confide in. We talked, we laughed, we drank, we cried, we drank, we made fun of others, we made fun of ourselves, we drank, we traveled, etc. Peas in a pod you might say.

She went on to grad school in Buffalo, eventually getting her PhD in psychology. I moved to San Francisco and started doing my IT Consulting crap. I went out to visit her a few times including her graduation. She came to visit me in San Francisco. B, K (another friend from college who also lives in SF) and I traveled to England and Ireland together. We made a pact to travel together every three years. So far it's only happened once. It should have happened two more times, but those two were in grad school and couldn't afford to go. Fair enough.

The past few years, that closeness hasn't been there for me. There are lots of little examples and stories I could share - the lame bachelorette party in New Orleans (I didn't know that was possible!) where she was having none of it; her wedding in NY; my gift which was supposed to be paying for their honeymoon tickets, but she asked if I could just give them money instead to help with the down payment on their house - I sent a check for a grand and had to ask several weeks later if she had received it because I never heard a peep; how I never really heard from her when my Uncle Jack died recently - she spent a week with me on spring break at his place one year, she spent holidays with us where he was there, she saw him at my mom's funeral and my brother's wedding so this is someone she also knew; etc. Ultimately, none of you really care.

I've changed a lot in the past 6 months-1 year. I'm finally starting to muddle my way through all the grief and sadness that I've kept down for so many years. I'm becoming a softer person. My humor is far less caustic, though still occasionally sneaks in when I'm tired or sad. I'm working at lowering the great wall of China I've built around myself. I'm starting to take care of me and to like me. At the same time, I've become more adventurous - got my motorcycle license, started rock climbing, went to Burning Man, started swing dancing, etc. I was pretty excited to share all that with her since we never seem to really talk anymore.

K picked B up from the airport on Thursday as I had to work. Apparently K talked to B and without going into a lot of details told her I had made significant progress recently, but B seemed to think she still knew me so well despite the fact we rarely communicate anymore. Well, B didn't ever try to get to know the new me. She wasn't interested. I think she expected us to fall right back into our old patterns, but that's not who I am anymore. At one point during the weekend I felt myself reverting to the old me. That's not who I *want* to be anymore, so I stopped and went back to who I am today. It was pretty much met with snarky comments the whole time. I told a story about Uncle Jack's memorial and she said in a totally aloof way, "Oh, yeah. I never asked you about that. How'd that go?" as she's looking off some other direction.

Sorry, I'm just venting now. Anyway, all I felt when I dropped her at the airport on Monday was relief. I guess what I learned is that she's not my best friend anymore. She's just a kind of friend. I can't control her end of the relationship. We've just grown into two different people and that's fine.

It just makes me sad. I'm tired of losing people close to me...even though this one is partially my decision and it's not like it's due to death. It's just a shame to lose the closeness with someone I thought would be a big part of my life forever. People change and I guess I just have to suck it up and deal, but somehow that doesn't make it any easier.

This moment of sadness was brought to you by the letter B and the number 10.