Is it time to let go?

This morning I had a session with my trainer at 6am. After kicking my ass, I asked him to do some healing work on my left forearm. It's been really sore from the climbing gym recently.

Let me preface this with saying I'm a Midwest girl. Though I definitely believe that there are some benefits in Eastern medicine, there is part of me that still things some of it is a bit dodgy.

That said, W is good and knows what he is doing. He always knows where to work and I can feel the benefit of what he does, even if at the time it is a bit painful. Today, as he put it, he basically hacked into my yin lines (I'm so screwing up terminology here) and opened up some channels. Then he did some work on the forearm. I could definitely feel the channels starting to open and warmth in my left side and leg. It was a painful process to get there though. He had to do some serious shoulder work to make that possible and it hurt like a son of a bitch. As in, tears were involved in the pain, but it worked.

The problem - according to him is most of the pain I'm dealing with is actually "blocked emotion in my spleen." See, this is where my Midwest self started to question. But he went on to talk about it was clearly stuff from my parent's death that I'd been holding a long time and was now dealing with the physical manifestation of. I was amazed at how much I was holding back. At one point W let go of my forearm and it just stayed upright instead of dropping to the ground like it should. I could feel things starting to open up. Then he said, "This is going to be a lot of work and it's going to be painful for you emotionally, sweetie. Are you sure this is something you want to tackle?"

My first thought was more along the lines of, listen mate, I hate crying period, let alone crying in front of other people. Now I'm supposed to become a basket case in front of my "ex"? That sounds great.

Then I realized how retarded that line of thinking really was. Well, I figure maybe after almost 13 years and 6 years it's about time to deal with some of this eh? It was a bit depressing that as soon as he stopped working my left forearm went cold as I started to shut things back down. We're going to have another session this week. He told me in the meantime to put a hand over my spleen and breathe gently into that space at least once a day.

After the session I went out to my car and had a good cry. Then I came home and decided to take a nap which turned into about 4 hours. Fell asleep with my hand over my spleen. I guess that's a good thing.

I can't say my forearm feels any better. In fact, it hurts like a bitch and I'm still a bit weepy. It makes me question whether this is a path I want to start down. It's guaranteed to be rocky. Do I want to peel back the scab and expose the wound below? Do I want to tear down the walls that have served me so well for so many years? Walls are built for a reason and they do a damn good job.

For the first time, I feel like I might be ready to do just that. I suppose there is some sort of beauty in that realization. The past year/year and a half has been about meeting challenges and learning/doing new things because I am terrified of some of them - getting my motorcycle license, rock climbing, going to Burning Man, etc. Why not actually do something internally that terrifies me as well?

One request - Bear with me if I am a wreck during this period.

This moment of reflection was brought to you by the letter W and the number 13.

Untouchable Face

This past Saturday was a lovely day. I met Laurie in Santa Clara for breakfast. We then went and saw the newest Harry Potter film. For those of you who read the books, you know that this one was a bridge book. The movie is a bridge movie. I liked it and it's definitely worth seeing. Just keep in mind it's setting the stage for the next two.

That evening, Tanya, Chris, Monique, John and I all went to see Ani DiFranco. It was an amazing show! She really knows how to connect with the crowd and told lots of stories about her 5 month old baby. She's very engaging and I see why people like her. After, we gorged ourselves on some sushi at Sushi Rock and then headed home.

I've always defined good music as music that speaks to you. Music to which I can relate. Lyrics that make me say, "Yes, I totally understand what you mean." or "Yes, I've been there." To that end, Ani played this one at the concert and it really spoke to me about some past events in my life.

Untouchable Face:

think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you

i could make you happy, you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

tell you the truth i prefer the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but you're perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
who am i
bet you can't even tell me that much

2:30 in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
safe haven of the sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down the top 20 country songs

out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
you know i really don't look forward
to seeing you again soon.

you look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
i won't know what to do
i won't know what to say

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
who am i
bet you can't even tell me that much

i see you and i'm so perplexed
what was i thinking
what will i think of next
where can i hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
i see orion and say nothing
the only thing i can think of saying

is fuck you...

Terrible Decision

Many of you know that I grew up riding horses. We used to fox hunt (before you fly off the handle - our hunt never killed), event, show jump, dressage, etc. I rode and competed from the time I was 7 until around 19 or 20. It was a wonderful time in my life.

I got my horse MaGee (show name was Maximum Effort) when I was 13. He is exactly one month older than I. We taught each other so much and he was my best friend. He always knew what I wanted and was willing to do it. Lord knows he saved my ass multiple times in the hunt field.

After my father died, he was being kept on a friend's land about 20 minutes away. I was house sitting for them for a bit in January. One night I was out in the hot tub and incredibly sad about my father. MaGee came up to the fence and softly whinnied. Even though it was freezing outside, I went over to him. He just laid his head on my shoulder and let me cry. Then he moved up alongside the fence and I hopped on bareback, no halter, no anything. He slowly walked me around the pasture and just let me be. That probably sounds silly to non-horse people, but those who have had that kind of connection will understand.

When I was 19 or 20, the sister of our friend was in town with her two daughters. They live in Mississippi. Annie was 13 at the time and fell in love with him. Her mom called my mom to ask if there was any way Annie could have MaGee. It was a tough decision, but I was only home from school during the summers and Annie would be able to take care of him the way I used to. It was a hard goodbye, but off he went to Mississippi. She competed him for years as well and he was a happy boy.

Two years ago they wrote me to say he had developed allergies to the mold down there during the summers and would develop heaves. They always thought he would live out his days down there, but it was hard to see him so miserable during the summers. They asked if I had any ideas.

We ended up moving him back to Missouri to another friend's place. They have my brother's old horse as well. The two were back together and having fun being ornery in their old age.

I just received an email from Mary. Apparently most of his teeth are now gone (he is 30). He couldn't even eat hay. They put him on Equine Senior and with the spring grass he did really well. Now that it is summer and the grass is tough, he's dropping weight rapidly. They are increasing the amount of Equine Senior. As she wrote me, "We're thinking putting up a small round pen on the lawn, and letting him graze clover at nights, feeding senior morning and evening and leaving him with the others (where there's shade) during the day, which will last until the lawn dries up. The problem is that this is getting very expensive. I've been thinking for some time that Palo probably should be put down this summer--he just isn't comfortable in his old horse body, with one weak hind so has to lean on stalls at times, can't really get down to roll and get back up, etc. I hate to have MaGee put down as well, as he is basically sound and affectionate and still seems to be enjoying being a horse. And he could still be ridden, if we can get him out of his bony state. But with him needing more and more E.Sr. to eat, in addition to the usual horse expenses, I'm beginning to wonder. Your thoughts would be appreciated, as I still think of him as your horse. He's a great old fellow--sorry this isn't a very happy message."

I just don't know what to do. I can totally help with the expenses. The question is, how long does that help? What will he do during the winter when there's no grass whatsoever? Is it just delaying the inevitable? Starvation is a horrible way to go and not fair since we have options that keep him from suffering.

I'm at a loss and I hate this. What is best for my best friend? Who am I to make a life and death decision?

This moment of sorrow is brought to you by the letter M and the number 30.

For Men Who Have Wondered

For any of you men who may have wondered why women go through phases of thinking men are assholes, perhaps what happened to me last night will shed a little light on the subject.

I met up with Allen, Jessie, Adam, Josh and Evan at Lucky 13 for a few beers last night. Around 9:30 or so we decide to run around the corner for some food. Allen and Jessie hit the taqueria. Adam and I went to Burgermeister because we both had a hankering (yes, I just used the word hankering) for burgers. We order and sit down by the window and the front door to wait, start having a nice conversation, etc.

There was a guy who was obviously drunk sitting at the counter also waiting for food. He had been staring at me ever since I entered. Fair enough, drunk guy staring, no biggie.

His order was ready before ours. As he was leaving, he was staring at me again. He starts to walk out the door, then suddenly stops and comes back in. He looks at me and says, "I'm drunk off my ass right now, but your tits are perfect." Then he gives me the thumbs-up and walks out the door.

Adam and I just sat there with our mouths hanging open. I couldn't even make a response to tell him to piss off. I was just in shock.

Perhaps it was the location that made it so awkward. It's one thing when it happens in a bar (still inappropriate, but you get used to it in that setting), but when you are just sitting there having a pleasant conversation waiting for a burger and someone says that? Holy inappropriate thing to say Batman! Uh, dude, we can hear you. That's your outside voice.

What is the thought process that leads someone to think that's an appropriate thing to say to someone?

For the record, yes, I know a number of you are going to say that to me the next time you see me. Sick bastards! :-)

This moment of shedding a little light was brought to you by the letter T and the number 2.

Communication

Communication is a wonderful, and sometimes dangerous, thing. Perhaps I should say full communication is a wonderful thing.

Thursday night I received a text message that threw me for a loop. While complimentary, it seemed inappropriate from the particular person given our history and it made me sad. I chatted with a few people who know the situation to get their take on the message. Some were similar to mine, others provided a fresh perspective.

Ultimately, I wrote the person back the next day with a simple thank you and asked what had brought that on. When the explanation came through it made perfect sense as to why the message had been sent and the full intentions behind the sending. Gone was the sadness. Gone was the confusion. Gone was the uncertainty.

It was a wonderfully simple lesson to not jump to conclusions and to just ask if confusion is present. I'm a slow learner about some things so it's always nice to be reminded.

This moment of learning was brought to you by the letter C and the number 2.

Tonight I'm Reminded

David Bowie's cover of Wild is the Wind. Tonight's song because I'm melancholy and I say so.

Love me, love me, love me, love me, say you do
Let me fly away with you
For my love is like the wind, and wild is the wind
Wild is the wind
Give me more than one caress, satisfy this hungriness
Let the wind blow through your heart
For wild is the wind, wild is the wind

You touch me, I hear the sound of mandolins
You kiss me
With your kiss my life begins
You're spring to me, all things to me
Don't you know, you're life itself!

Like the leaf clings to the tree,
Oh, my darling, cling to me
For we're like creatures of the wind, wild is the wind
Wild is the wind

You touch me,
I hear the sound of mandolins
You kiss me
With your kiss my life begins
You're spring to me, all things to me
Don't you know, you're life itself!

Like the leaf clings to the tree,
Oh, my darling, cling to me
For we're like creatures in the wind, and wild is the wind

Wild is the wind
Wild is the wind
Wild is the wind
Wild is the wind