Is it time to let go?

This morning I had a session with my trainer at 6am. After kicking my ass, I asked him to do some healing work on my left forearm. It's been really sore from the climbing gym recently.

Let me preface this with saying I'm a Midwest girl. Though I definitely believe that there are some benefits in Eastern medicine, there is part of me that still things some of it is a bit dodgy.

That said, W is good and knows what he is doing. He always knows where to work and I can feel the benefit of what he does, even if at the time it is a bit painful. Today, as he put it, he basically hacked into my yin lines (I'm so screwing up terminology here) and opened up some channels. Then he did some work on the forearm. I could definitely feel the channels starting to open and warmth in my left side and leg. It was a painful process to get there though. He had to do some serious shoulder work to make that possible and it hurt like a son of a bitch. As in, tears were involved in the pain, but it worked.

The problem - according to him is most of the pain I'm dealing with is actually "blocked emotion in my spleen." See, this is where my Midwest self started to question. But he went on to talk about it was clearly stuff from my parent's death that I'd been holding a long time and was now dealing with the physical manifestation of. I was amazed at how much I was holding back. At one point W let go of my forearm and it just stayed upright instead of dropping to the ground like it should. I could feel things starting to open up. Then he said, "This is going to be a lot of work and it's going to be painful for you emotionally, sweetie. Are you sure this is something you want to tackle?"

My first thought was more along the lines of, listen mate, I hate crying period, let alone crying in front of other people. Now I'm supposed to become a basket case in front of my "ex"? That sounds great.

Then I realized how retarded that line of thinking really was. Well, I figure maybe after almost 13 years and 6 years it's about time to deal with some of this eh? It was a bit depressing that as soon as he stopped working my left forearm went cold as I started to shut things back down. We're going to have another session this week. He told me in the meantime to put a hand over my spleen and breathe gently into that space at least once a day.

After the session I went out to my car and had a good cry. Then I came home and decided to take a nap which turned into about 4 hours. Fell asleep with my hand over my spleen. I guess that's a good thing.

I can't say my forearm feels any better. In fact, it hurts like a bitch and I'm still a bit weepy. It makes me question whether this is a path I want to start down. It's guaranteed to be rocky. Do I want to peel back the scab and expose the wound below? Do I want to tear down the walls that have served me so well for so many years? Walls are built for a reason and they do a damn good job.

For the first time, I feel like I might be ready to do just that. I suppose there is some sort of beauty in that realization. The past year/year and a half has been about meeting challenges and learning/doing new things because I am terrified of some of them - getting my motorcycle license, rock climbing, going to Burning Man, etc. Why not actually do something internally that terrifies me as well?

One request - Bear with me if I am a wreck during this period.

This moment of reflection was brought to you by the letter W and the number 13.