The Things We do for Vanity

Being a self-admitted victim of certain societal standards, I subscribe to the relatively hair-free lifestyle. I wax my eyebrows, I'm currently doing laser hair removal under the arms (waxing was too much of a pain in the arse), I shave my legs fairly regularly and up until recently have also done the bikini wax.

Side note - those of you who believe in evolution, please explain to me how it is possible that hair under my arms hasn't gone away? Honestly, I don't need it. It serves no use. What gives? I digress...

About a month ago I got a wild hare up my ass (note that was the metaphorical hare, not the literal hair). Numerous friends have done the Brazillian wax thing and have told me how much they enjoy it. Personally, I can't go for the Brazillian wax because a) I'm not a porn star (yes, I know you all are shocked), b) I'm not a 10 year old girl c) I don't want a Mr. Biggelsworth and d) I firmly believe there are certain parts of the human body wax was never meant to be.

One of the aforementioned friends got married recently. She decided to try the Brazillian before her honeymoon and liked it. Apparently it was the same place her sister-in-law had gone after thoroughly researching the places to go. I assume that research didn't take place at work. K passed on the information to me and as a result of the wild hare, decided to make an appointment.

Off to Bellapelle I go. It, of course, is located in the very posh Union Square area. You should note that the place I generally go is pretty close to my house and I can get my eyebrows and bikini done for something like $25. After a shower (hey, you gotta be clean for these things) I head down and check-in. I hop in the elevator and this girl is in there with me who asks if I'm heading to Bellapelle as well. We started chatting and it turns out it is her first time as well and she is really nervous. I wasn't as nervous because I decided to do the "Extended Bikini" as opposed to the full Brazillian. As I'm waiting they ask if I want a glass of wine. All right! This is looking up. Then I realize it's rather genius to help their clients relax because being nervous just makes the whole experience worse. A couple glasses of wine later I get called. The girl tells me I can bring my glass of wine into the room. Sweet!

She started with the eyebrows. Did a rather amazing job. Those of you who know me know I have some funky eyebrows so I was really impressed. She started to leave the room so I asked her about the extended bikini. Whoever had taken the reservation had screwed up and not put it on the schedule, but she had time to do it so there was no backing out.

After leaving me alone to undress and use some babywipes, she comes back in. Let me tell you, this is a full service operation. They not only wax, they also trim what hair is left. I felt like I was in a barbershop, but instead of a quartet, an iPod was going. Do you remember the Patrick Swayze movie Roadhouse? In it, he has this great (sarcasm) quote - "Pain don't hurt." Well, Patrick, go get an extended bikini wax and then try and tell me that.

Actually, all in all it wasn't that bad. Granted, that could be due to 3 glasses of wine, but it was bearable. The funniest part is we're sitting there carrying on some random conversation as she's working. I'm glad one of us was comfortable. At the end I asked her, "Has anyone ever told you they feel like they should be dating you when you do this? You've seen more of me than some guys I've dated." She just laughed and said she'd heard a lot of comments, but not that one. After she finished ripping hair out of rather sensitive areas, she left the room so I could get dressed. Now honestly, why bother leaving? You've already seen it all anyway. Is it really time to be prudish now that I'm putting ON clothing? Sum total of paying someone to hurt me in a non-sexual way: $75.

People who do the Brazillian always talk about how addicting it is. I think they're nuts and must secretly be rather masochistic.

So naturally I was back two weeks later to get it all done again (my damn hair grows too quickly). It really is addicting. Now I just have to figure out how to balance my cow-towing to societal mandates with spending $150 (w/o tip) a month. Maybe next time someone looks at me and comments on me being a wooly-mammoth I will charge them $75 so I can go get it taken care of. Yeah, that would go over well.

So all you men out there - the next time you see your woman nicely maintained, make a comment to let her know you appreciate it. You have no idea the pain involved in looking that way.

This moment of Too Much Information was brought to you by the letter W and the number 75.