Letting Go

Today I went to the water to weep. Sometimes I go to the water to laugh, to shout, to vent my anger and frustration. Today I went to weep. My emotions are conflicted and the only current solution is to cry. To cry and to let go instead of the usual cry and hold on. It's time for that pattern to change. A recent quote I came across was, "Letting go is love. Holding on is attachment."

I got an email from K today (William's partner). She asked if I had any plans to come home this year as their wedding reception is going to be in late August. The email was incredibly kind and thoughtful. I knew they had talked about getting married. I didn't know it was moving ahead.

It seems odd to have heard it from her and not Will. I know he's away at a retreat, but it still seems strange. It's weird he hadn't told me before. I am truly thrilled for them. It's wonderful they are getting married. Yet, I find myself sad and wistful at the same time. Not the kind of heart hurting, can't breathe sadness. Just...sadness. I guess it truly is the end of any hope I held onto for the two of us. The end of an era in a way. The end of our romantic love and any possibility of that blossoming. While I wouldn't change the work we have done together the past three years for anything, it's hard to say goodbye to that kind of connection. While that connection never goes away, I think it now shifts instead.

I'm truly grateful for knowing I can have that kind of connection with someone. That is awesome! Now I just need to find it with someone else. To do that, I need to let go of this one. I just need to cry it out...cry it all out and send it off into Mother Ocean, off into the air...to set it free.

Tonight I took a hot bath and lit three "Miracle" candles given to me by a dear friend several years ago. I did my own ritual and let of go of my attachments, not just to Will, but all those things I have held onto for too long - people, fears, my weight which I have hidden behind for years, all of it.

Letting go is love. Holding on is attachment. I choose to no longer be attached, but I weep for the loss.

This moment of conflict was brought to you by the letter L and the number 3.